reality hat trick....

tomorrow i have my "procedure". it's not really surgery since they aren't cutting into me. yeah, that's a relief. but, still it's weird.

it's especially weird because the reality of it all came crashing down on me at precisely 4:07 pm today. that's what time i called hospital scheduling because i realized that i didn't know exactly where i was going, what time i needed to be there or what i needed to do ahead of time. i'd become so blase and nonchalant about the whole thing, that i'd stopped thinking about it. completely.

the first wake up call came when she asked who would be there with me.

i hesitated. "no one."

"no one?" she asked.

"i'm being dropped off; i'm on my own."

i grew up in such a way that asking anyone for anything, especially to be involved in this sort of thing, has mountain everest amounts of guilt attached to it. i learned to be as independent as possible. however, i always had a man in my life for just this sort of occasion. in recent years, it became painfully obvious that was no reason to be in a relationship, regardless of what my mother might suggest.

"so, honey, who is going to take you home?" she asked.

"a friend is coming for me."

"well, honey," she said ever so patiently, "why don't you give me her name and number so that i can call her when you're ready."

details were exchanged.

"honey, who should we call if there is an emergency?" she was being very kind with me. "what if there is a problem with the anesthetic or something?"

"my mom, i guess." i stammered.

that just seemed futile, but standard. call my mom. sure, but what can she do? she can't drive and she panics if her toilet overflows. God forbid you call her with an emergency for me. this is a woman who called me before she called 911 when my father had a heart attack. i don't have a real emergency contact. well, there is one person and when i had my accident, my reaction was to call, but i probably shouldn't do that sort of thing anymore. let's just assume this whole thing is going to go swimmingly. k? thanx.

"one last thing, honey," i think i was really getting on her nerves. "do you have a living will or dnr?"

"what? really? no."

oh my God. if anything ever happens to me, there is only person who knows how to answer those questions. i divorced him three years ago and haven't spoken to him since. once again, let's just assume this will all be ducky, k? thanx.

i hung up the phone and sat at my desk.

dude, i thought, you are indeed an independent woman. you are a solitary creature. this is what you've been saying that you want. if it weren't for your friends, what would you do?

i really don't know what i would do without my friends, and that conversation today is just one more reason why i'm ever so grateful for each and every one.