it's all over now but the recovery...

yesterday was a wingdinger and the following may be TMI, so enter at your own risk.

it could have been much worse and i am extraordinarily lucky and grateful beyond anything i can express here.

however, there were a couple times yesterday when i felt in much deeper than i thought i could handle.

my misconception of this out-patient-no-biggie procedure as the equivalent to having my wisdom teeth pulled was utterly shattered within the first thirty minutes. (i should clarify that the removal of my 4 wisdom teeth in one sitting was a walk in the park--no major issues at all. the dentist said they rolled right out. plus, i have a very high tolerance for pain.)

at st joe's everyone was helpful and friendly and funny and caring! i honestly believe to the tips of my shoelaces that i could not have been in better hands.

when they took me to the holding room i was a little nervous... nothing i didn't expect. we started getting situated and she mentioned the i/v. really? gonna need that? really necessary? i thought i was getting gassed. uh, no, sugar you're going down all the way.

that is my weakness, needles and i/vs. a nurse who drew blood from me once compared my expression to a look of someone face to face with freddy krueger from a nightmare on elm street. it is the same every time: i freak out.

next, she started going through my procedure for the day. the first sentence out of her mouth include the term DNC. WHOOAHHH. wait a moment. i'm just here for the ablation. sear my uterus and set me free. NO SCRAPING. WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

Nurse Ginny was a sweetheart. she explained to me that apparently my doc decided that it would be helpful after seeing my records. this isn't uncommon, she assured me. i think i stared at her for 30 seconds before i even processed everything she'd said. well, okay. it's not like it really matters, right?

do what you need to.

Nurse Ginny rocked. she got me all ready and was a dream with the i/v. i yelped like a kicked puppy, but it was more because i made the mistake of glancing over at what she was doing. admittedly, it didn't hurt, but for the rest of the time i was attached to that damn thing i refused to acknowledge that i had a left hand. that part of my body no longer existed.

then i waited for the anesthesiologist. while i waited, i read my camera club handbook. since i'd just officially become a member, i decided this was an excellent time to further understand the submission guidelines. it was a fabulous distraction!

then came the call that i'd been bumped for a baby delivery. well, not a lot you can do about that now can you! funny thing is that the first appointment that i'd ever had with this doc was postponed after i arrived to find out he'd been called to an emergency cesarean for twins. you go, doc!

i read and texted. then the anesthesiologist arrived. he complimented me on my hair color. charming, freshly divorced, handsome and with an accent so thick i was lost. but, i did hear breathing tube. WHOAAHHH. what? really? suddenly, he could have been the prince of wales and i didn't like him. but, he made me laugh and assured me that it'd be out before i woke up. i recalled the struggling my mom went through when she had heart surgery last year...hours and hours with that tube. luckily she didn't really remember it though it was sheer torture to watch her pain as she came in and out of consciousness.

let's hope i don't have trouble with anesthesia.

and so i waited. i was crazy relaxed and panicked at the same time. what a wild little ride.

Nurse Ginny came by... we chatted. she mentioned the catheter. OH FFS. lovely. this just got better and better. again, out before i'd wake up. i looked at her and said, are there any other doohickies ya'll plan on attaching? docs gonna send a scope up have a look around, do a dnc, do the ablation and we're done. i wasn't sure i was buying it, but i was too far in to run like hell now.

then the phone rang and the fun began.

they gave me my double margarita and in less then five i was being wheeled down to surgery prep. i assured everyone else waiting for "procedures" that the cocktail rocked as they wheeled me by. oh dear.

once i got to prep, i met my surgical team. we had a grand little time. i told them that i was totally bummed that i couldn't shoot the procedure, and man, i could get some EXCELLENT shots for brochures at work... oh yeah, i told them where i worked and all about it. chatty kathy had arrived for the party.

when the doc got there, i think it tried to high five him, but i'm not sure. i do know that i gave him a hard time about the dnc, but i've got absolutely no clue what he answered. it was good night, irene.

then someone shook me awake and i bolted up. dude, are you already done?? yes, said the nice nurse who promptly pushed me back down. but, i was ready to go. she closed the curtain and told me i had to stay in recovery for at least 30 minutes. so, i went back to sleep for maybe fifteen minutes.

then i could hear them talking, then they opened my curtain and all bets were off. i was awake and chatty kathy was back. i started crackin jokes with other ladies in recovery and someone started giggling about my halloween socks. mwhahaha! 30 minutes into recovery, i heard a nurse on the phone... someone come and get her and call her ride. hehehe, are you talking about me, i asked? yup, time for you to go! they ripped off my wiring and except for the damn i/v, i was free. woohoo!

it didn't take long for me to knock back about a gallon of water and a bag of pretzels. emily came and soon they wheeled me out. nice formula one wheel chairs at st. joe's. just sayin.

emily was awesome and got me to my drugs and some food and then home. i've only taken two pain pills since the event, but i'm a little on the shaky side.

i'm not a fan of hospitals, but i remember how my dad was--hootin and a hollerin with the nurses and doctors. no matter how bad it got, dad was always laughing. i know he was with me yesterday inspiring some laughter.

now that it's behind me, i'm glad i did it, and there's nothing left but the recovery.

you want to watch this...

Leave Me (3 minute contest winning version) from Daros Films on Vimeo.

reality hat trick....

tomorrow i have my "procedure". it's not really surgery since they aren't cutting into me. yeah, that's a relief. but, still it's weird.

it's especially weird because the reality of it all came crashing down on me at precisely 4:07 pm today. that's what time i called hospital scheduling because i realized that i didn't know exactly where i was going, what time i needed to be there or what i needed to do ahead of time. i'd become so blase and nonchalant about the whole thing, that i'd stopped thinking about it. completely.

the first wake up call came when she asked who would be there with me.

i hesitated. "no one."

"no one?" she asked.

"i'm being dropped off; i'm on my own."

i grew up in such a way that asking anyone for anything, especially to be involved in this sort of thing, has mountain everest amounts of guilt attached to it. i learned to be as independent as possible. however, i always had a man in my life for just this sort of occasion. in recent years, it became painfully obvious that was no reason to be in a relationship, regardless of what my mother might suggest.

"so, honey, who is going to take you home?" she asked.

"a friend is coming for me."

"well, honey," she said ever so patiently, "why don't you give me her name and number so that i can call her when you're ready."

details were exchanged.

"honey, who should we call if there is an emergency?" she was being very kind with me. "what if there is a problem with the anesthetic or something?"

"my mom, i guess." i stammered.

that just seemed futile, but standard. call my mom. sure, but what can she do? she can't drive and she panics if her toilet overflows. God forbid you call her with an emergency for me. this is a woman who called me before she called 911 when my father had a heart attack. i don't have a real emergency contact. well, there is one person and when i had my accident, my reaction was to call, but i probably shouldn't do that sort of thing anymore. let's just assume this whole thing is going to go swimmingly. k? thanx.

"one last thing, honey," i think i was really getting on her nerves. "do you have a living will or dnr?"

"what? really? no."

oh my God. if anything ever happens to me, there is only person who knows how to answer those questions. i divorced him three years ago and haven't spoken to him since. once again, let's just assume this will all be ducky, k? thanx.

i hung up the phone and sat at my desk.

dude, i thought, you are indeed an independent woman. you are a solitary creature. this is what you've been saying that you want. if it weren't for your friends, what would you do?

i really don't know what i would do without my friends, and that conversation today is just one more reason why i'm ever so grateful for each and every one.

sooo sandy....

like many of my generation, Grease, the original, the first, the right and true one with Olivia and John, was a cornerstone of my pre-teen identity.

to this day, and today as a matter of fact, i sing this song all the time... i switch it up and change the lyrics for special or random occasions, but it remains and always will a mega hit in the soundtrack of my life. a giant.

i idolized Olivia Newton-John and in so many ways and on so many days, i was and am Sandy (and a little bit of Rizzo, Cha-Cha, Jan, Marty and Frenchy) . in my crazy little head, when i put my foot down (much the way Sandy stomps that cig with her red Candies) i hear this in the background.

i love the way there is so much life in Grease. so much risk and it's okay to make mistakes. you just don't know what might happen if you don't put on that motorcycle jacket. what if i'd never left my varsity pom pon squad uniform? there is so much of life that i would have missed. so many people i would never have met. so many tears and dreamy kisses...

better lose that varsity sweater...

it's been hard...

being home. i felt less alone when i was a thousand miles away.

the neighbors have been banging around and yelling. the job is depressing and makes me feel completely trivial. it's raining and the commute is ridiculous. as always, it was an uninvited memory that triggered the tears.

i had to pull over to catch my breath and cope with reality.

it's easier with distractions... when i'm so busy that i don't know if i'm coming or going.

when it's still and everything is stark, that's when i remember.

i want to slip off my shoes at the door and feel that warmth again. it seems like such a simple comfort, that hug...

notes...

here are some random notes:

-i met shelly on the plane from atlanta to portland. she was originally from portland, though now she lived in florida and was a retired art teacher. she was one of several academics that i met on this trip. her partner was her high school sweetheart... she had been told that he had died just years after school and then shortly after she was divorced many years later, she signed on to a site for classmates and heard from him within days. they've been reunited for several years. i found that incredibly romantic and they were obviously very happy.

shelly gave me a tip on a restaurant that i didn't find, but our conversation was delightful! they were inspiring and i can't tell you how happy i was to have had the pleasure to spend a little time with them. i hope the wedding was lovely and their following vacation was relaxing and fun!

sometimes, i meet someone that i hope to emulate in my life... she was one of them. gracious, lovely, as interested as she was interesting...

-my first meal in maine was at the lobster place on the wharf... sitting behind me was a couple on their first date. i felt really bad for the guy because the girl he was with told him repeatedly how disgusted she was by lobster... as he sat there eating one. i hope she was only nervous; you've no idea how badly i wanted to whisk her off to the ladies room and calm her down. he barely said two words, but there wasn't a soul on the deck who wasn't painfully aware of her feelings.

-i went to a health food store in bangor... there was a handsome moppy haired gentleman who followed me around and tried to offer me help. his accent was so thick, i just sort of watched him talk to me. he was sort of elegant and i'm a sucker for an accent; i declined his offer for lunch, but i almost went back when i went back to bangor. however, some moments just can't be recreated.

-i heard a lot of beatles, nickelback, avril lavigne, van halen, jackson browne and tom petty on this trip. once, while i was driving to peggy's cove, that old aldo nova hit fantasy came on the radio. i've not heard that in years, but it was one of those pivotal coming of age songs for me. i was so excited that i pulled off the road, totally cranked it and sang my heart out to seagulls and a spectacular sunset. music played a big part for me on this trip... i think i heard petty's refugee about 30 times... love me some petty!

-i love river birch trees and the northeast is blanketed with them. maples, birch and skinny fast growing evergreens... my sort of vegetation!

-when i crossed the border, i was so nervous that i told the border officer that i had these awesome peanut butter covered pretzels and offered him some. i think he cracked a smile, but realizing my dorkiness i just apologized several times.

-when i crossed into canada, they announced on the rock station that there would be trash pick up on thanksgiving. from that moment on, i felt like i was visiting one giant family. what incredible people, the canadians. most americans that i know do not show them the respect that they deserve. that was one of the biggest things i learned on this trip.

-moncton has an AWESOME evergreen landscape!

-i walked all over downtown halifax on thanksgiving. it was a lovely day and i enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere and having downtown to myself. i had awesome yellow chicken curry for dinner at a terrific little vietnamese restaurant. the light was magical.

and let me tell you something... even the people panhandling were different. if i didn't have money, they were still chatty and not in a bad way. congenial folks. i kept running into one guy and he started quizzing me on streets. one guy had a stray russian blue kitty. we sat and chatted for a long time. i think it was one of the best thanksgivings i've ever had.

more later... i've got to tell you about Lisa.

the island...

Cape Bear, originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

i give you PEI through my eyes.

i reserve the right to be a little off on exact locations. i was constantly driving and pulling off to jump out of my car, onto my car, into a pasture, down a road, over rocks, fences and up church steps... i could have spent several more days shooting and exploring. i never made it to the western shore.

i'm not sure how to describe this island. it left me so impressed and overwhelmed.. it's a feeling... not just soil, clouds and light that i've never seen. no place has ever touched me like this.

all i can say is that if you can go for a visit, don't hesitate. it may just change the way you see the world and those around you.

the confederate bridge...

the confederate bridge, originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

as i drove toward pei, it was sunny with fluffy clouds. however, as i approached, i saw dark clouds on the horizon. just as i was about to cross the confederate bridge it began pouring.

the rain allowed me the opportunity to be distracted... by the bridge itself. instead of crossing in the rain (it was evident that it wouldn't last long) i drove underneath and shot like a mad woman. i really love this bridge; i think it's a fascinating structure and beautiful.

if you click on the photo, you'll see the rest of the pics i took that afternoon. once i crossed the bridge, i didn't see rain again until i'd crossed back into new brunswick. the weather was absolutely perfect.

i've no idea where these pics are from on this first afternoon... i was constantly pulling off the road and turning onto side roads. i simply wandered without a map, led only by my curiosity. it took me more than two hours to make it to charlottetown because i just couldn't keep my focus!

amazing...

last shot of the day..., originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

the trip to cape breton was one of the most satisfying and one of the toughest of my trip so far. the trip took a total 15 hours, most of it in the car.

i'd discovered granola bars and tim horton's coffee allowed me to keep shooting. i actually broke down and ate mcdonald's on the way back that night. it was so late and raining... sigh. i know. i just pushed it too far. i just hated giving up daylight hours.

but back to cape breton. it looked like rain all day. i met lots of lovely folks on the road and saw a million churches. not as many as i saw on pei, but darn close.

the mountains... higher and higher.. french mountain! the roads curved and were like roller coasters, just the way i like them and the vistas, well, click on this photo and you'll understand.

i met a really cool couple on one of the pull-offs who happened to be from the missouri and florida. they warned me about some pretty serious winds coming--of course, i drove on. i met another sweet couple from british columbia... they were really curious about missouri. i don't know why! the only thing this day really lacked was more convos with the locals. but, the vistas made up for it!!!

i drove more than half the cabot trail and managed to hike one good healthy trail in the national park. i was hypnotized by the ocean and literally lost all sense of time until the light was gone and i couldn't take anymore decent pictures. then, all the alarms went off in my head and i headed back for home.. in halifax... 6 hours away.

the drive home was okay... i sort of got myself into a snit for waiting so long to leave and then there was a little rain and fog making the already tenuous drive more stressful. plus, i suddenly became ravenous and everything was closed. luckily, my excellent sense of direction and a hefty amount of good fortune got me back safely at a somewhat reasonable hour.

i loved it.

people of charlottetown...

people of charlottetown, originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

on my way off the island, i stopped in charlottetown for a stroll. my intention was to be on the road by noon, but i got lost in a chat with my hostess at the b and b... we had a lot of laughs and a wonderful time. if you are looking for lovely little bnb for a very good price, Joan, runs the Coastal Homestead and i highly recommend it!

i stopped for my only souvenirs of this trip... a couple pei shirts and some scarves that stopped me in my tracks. i took a lot of shots of the people on the streets before i had lunch at cora's and treated myself to some mooey gooey at cow's creamery... OH yummy!

then, i set to driving. one thing i like about kilometers is that they sure click by a lot faster than miles!

i listened to CBC and french stations all afternoon. i don't remember enough french to really do more than get the gist of the conversation, after a long listen that is. but it sounded so beautiful, like music, i found it very comforting.

i missed pei before i was off the confederate bridge and i miss canada something fierce right now.

i knew it was important for me to go there, and now, i know why.

(click the photo for more pics!)

before i begin...

i've so much to write... scratched out notes to be sorted. i've a huge quantity of photos that i'm going through now.

but, i wanted to stop and say something: i traveled all the way to East Point, PEI to realize that all the knowledge that i thought i had... it's a farce. i barely know a thing about myself much less the people that i care the most about.

i slipped on the shoes someone left by the door... i shuffled around from corner to corner. i bumped into cliffs, fields and lighthouses. it's a complicated world full of complicated people, but if i stopped... for a moment... there was silence... and there was peace. my mind cleared, and i found the shoes, they nearly fit. upon giving them back, i was different for having worn them.

it's no longer about what is right or what isn't. more important is knowing there are people who love you, people you love. it's about holding out your hand and knowing that there is someone there who needs it or who can lift you up.

it's melancholy and homesick. it's bright futures and warm memories. it's heartbreak and hope.

life is only a pumping muscle in my chest without the people i love feeding the passion that keeps it beating.

last shot of the day...

last shot of the day... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!, originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

i've been taking notes, but unable to truly blog. here is a link to flickr... i've not gone through today's shots. i just got up a selection from yesterday. it's now three in the morning and if i'm going to get up and be on the road by nine, well... you know me!

i leave nova scotia tomorrow, but not forever. i've a sneaking suspicion the seeds are planted and soon, there will be roots.

welcome to atlanta...

lemme just say, i love to fly and i love the atlanta airport.

so, i got my tired rump up at 5am., my coworker kelley would be laughing at that cuz she knows that ONLY happens on special occasions or in case of fire.

there was ice on my windshield and super dense fog when i loaded the car at 6. i was a little nervous about that fog. but, things went well... i stood in line for a long time to check my bag... even though i was already "checked in". my encounter TSA went well. i don't know why i'm terrified of those people. they scare me as much as the library police. whatever you say, Bubba.

i never put my stuff down... got right onto the plane and bam! here i am. my seat mate was a sweet woman who is going on her first cruise. i enjoyed talking with her... she was fixated on smoking, having only quit a few weeks ago. she was maybe a little too jittery and chatty for even my taste, but i think we talked out the anxiety--even through the turbulence on the way in. maybe i need to create a business of plane therapy? it's kinda fun. :)

well... i've a two hour layover here in the land of peaches and falcons! i'd take a pic of myself and post it here, but i'll tell you, i'm packed so well and precariously, if i move the wrong thing, it'll be like the fall of the roman empire. messy.

cosmic slop...

Water, originally uploaded by Cosmic Slop.

sometimes you meet someone on line... maybe you never actually meet them face to face, but nonetheless... they make an impression... influence the way you see things.

Justin is working in Afghanistan and he sends notes home to a laundry list of us who are all concerned about his well-being. but, amid danger i cannot even fathom, he is rallying donations for a child care center.

he also takes incredible pictures, and i'm inspired by the beauty that he has captured.

he wrote a note yesterday to tell us he was okay... an explosion not far off. this morning, while i was getting ready for work, mentally whining about my woes, i heard the report on npr. it struck me in that moment, the connection and that i have no real understanding of the reality that Justin is working in or the people he works with every day.

i'm grateful that he is sharing his experience and his photos...

words...

"I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

sometimes, i find it difficult to live these words... when someone you love shuts you out and cuts you off... finding any peace is fleeting... finding contentment seems impossible.

sometimes, i find it difficult to know my own selfishness. but, knowing the suffering is easy. it is the greatest suffering to miss someones' presence in your life.

quick notes...

so... when the wedding was over and i'd had a chance to lick my wounds and celebrate my tiny successes... i turned to the trip.

still not completely planned. very not like me. but, as my BFF said... it's an adventure!

first night of my trip will be in true stephen king fashion. driving into the night all alone... pulling into the inn late in the evening... in Bangor. hahaha! i'm going to be living my own private "shining". :/

then three days in Halifax... i've no idea what i'll be doing on Nova Scotia, but i do know i'll be there for thanksgiving... that's going to be curious.

then on to PEI. i know that ann of green gables is the island claim to fame, but what i'm most interested in are the cliffs. since i first laid eyes on a picture of them....that's what i've wanted to see. i'm hoping to stay somewhere called high bank... on murray river for a couple nights. if they have room... i'm calling the b&b tomorrow.

then i'm going to head for the coast of maine.... stay tuned for more details and pics of weddings.

de and jdead got mawwied...

this is deanna and this is john's first look at his bride.

fairy tales could learn a thing or two from this couple. with readings from the princess bride, the velveteen rabbit and music from E.T.--this wedding was 100% de and jdeadly.

the bride was smooth as silk... she said she was nervous. really? the groom was a little nervous, but a beaming light of joy. they radiated pure love and delight touching every soul in attendance.

as for me, in all sincerity, i've never been so nervous in my life. being the first shooter at a wedding for people you adore and want to do your best work for... :) however, i am honored that they asked me and i hope to give them images that they will enjoy for many years.

these pics are from the first batch of downloads and barely touched... i still have A LOT to download!

mawwaige is what brought us together yesterday...

turning a corner...

damn. when it comes to knowing how to handle my camera, i'm still a big time amateur.

however, something has changed.

i had this friend and he was utterly steeped in what he did for a living. i mean this guy was more than an eat, drink, sleep type. he loved it and lived it to distraction. you'd have thought that as a girlfriend, i'd have been freaking out about how much time he dedicated to his beloved computer.

nope. not me. i admired it. i encouraged it. i was crazy jealous. i wanted to feel that passion and not on coat tails.

i got home tonight from the rehearsal and the first thing i did was download my images. there was a lot that i was unhappy with and i had more information about how i'm shooting saturday. so, i promptly went on the net researching what sort of lens i really need. i hunted for tips and suggestions. a couple hours slipped away...

i still haven't taken off my jacket.

i'm green. i don't know nearly as much as i wish i did--but i'm no longer wishing i'd a passion like my computer geek ex. i've found my passion.

i've found my passion.

it's not for someone else, about someone else, because of or reliant on someone else. it's mine.

and it feels spectacular.