the year of kym

goodbye 2008!

what a crazy year it's been. the greatest lessons that i learned this year were that it's okay to say no and being myself, in full view and honestly, is always the best choice.

the first half of this year was incredibly painful to the heart, no doubt. i had to deal with health issues--something new and terrifying. not just my health issues, there were other family health crisis, and i said goodbye to my grandmother. i also ended a relationship, and for the pain, i am sorry.

but, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, i found strength and rose to spread my wings. (how's that for a grand visual!) i became comfortable in my own skin, embraced being on my own and found a confidence that i'd never known. as the year progressed, i learned to listen to that voice that i'd hushed for so many years and began to heal.

when i faced january 1, 2008, i committed to go on a mission to do what i wanted--just to see what would happen. i explored my photography and my dancing--making huge strides in both. i traveled on my own and took risks that brought me some of the best memories of the year. one of those risks threw a penalty flag at my feet and has had my undivided attention ever since.

so, by my estimation, the year of kym has been a success. the universe threw me some challenges, but the more i trusted my instincts and believed in myself, i was shown opportunities i never expected.

next year, i'm going to focus on giving and dropping some of the cynicism that crept up when i wasn't paying attention by returning to my practice and yoga. i'm looking forward to 2009... may it be all that you desire, too!

saturday...

this might have happened...

i wanted to leave hours ago, but i was successfully distracted with little things that needed to be done. just as i opened my front door and stepped under the awning, the sky unloaded.

i stood there for a moment and considered, then came back, threw open the doors to invite in the storm and turned on the music. i curled up in my deep burgundy chair and tossed a blanket across my legs.

after watching the rain and listening to the thunder creeping up in the distance, i grabbed the photography book that you gave me and found my place.

minutes passed and the rain refused to let up. then a beatles tune started up on the radio and i closed my eyes.

you were standing in front of me playing your guitar and i was suddenly missing you fiercely, but i couldn't help but smile.

when i opened my eyes, there is a sunbeam peeking through the fading rain and i knew that somewhere there was a rainbow.

stuff on a saturday

first... my boyfriend is trapped in a cluster of airline hell trying to get home to canada. the radio keeps blurting alarming warnings about the awful weather in the northeast and amping the headlines on how there is more heading that way. i know that he's fine. i'm sure it sucks, but he's insanely creative and smart. i can't help worrying though and i wish i were there to help...

next on the ramble list... i've been fighting a resilient little bugger of a cold all week. yesterday, the 5th day of this fun, my voice left town and a hideous cough is moving in. i've consumed an olympic-sized vat of tea in response. i've realized and finally admitted to myself that nuking a cup of water just isn't good enough. a proper cup of tea starts with a kettle.

and... it's shameful to me that a man felt he needed to hurl a size 10 insult at the president of my country and how deluded must a man be to insist that a brush is within reach at all times and think it's okay to sell a senate seat.

and lastly... you simply do not know the unintended results of your actions. believe it or not, a gift can reignite someones hope in the human race or show someone that there is someone who listens to them and cares about who they are. though i may not see an instant result... i believe.

distracted during the holidays...

i was out running an errand last night when i got distracted by the christmas lights. i didn't intend to, but somehow, i ended up wandering around webster groves inwardly ooohhhing and aaaahhhing.

it was perfect weather... around fifty and humid--nearly foggy. (foggy weather is the BEST for xmas light viewing, btw.) i had the heat on and the sun roof open and periodically, i could smell a fire... mmmmmm.

as i wove my way through the tight, hidden streets, i was reminded of my visit to nantucket, and for a moment, i could smell the ocean. i pulled over and took a deep breath... smoke and salt... and then it was gone...

i turned on the christmas music and listened as dino sang let it snow and bing dreamed of white christmas...

the lights were beautiful and the moment was wonderfully my own, but it wasn't christmas that i was thinking about.

inpiration in six notes of a memory...

There is no knowing what it will be. I never see it coming, and I don’t know it has happened until the memory washes over me.

It’s that time… that moment… when something is said, sung, implied, yelled… it’s the smell of apple pie in the oven, the roar of the first 6 notes of your song, a favorite painting in that special room at the art museum.

It wraps me in a gust of familiar and reminds me that my destiny is my own. It carries me at 120 down the freeway… waking my dreams and stirring my imagination.

I’ve arrived at the edge of the canyon… where I can see the lights of the world. Where anything is possible.

At its core it is love… It happened that time that you slipped in and touched my soul.

Looking over my shoulder, I hear it calling from all that came before.

Where do we go now?

something to stir you...

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

no, sugar, i'm not all right...

I HATE TO HAVE BLOOD DRAWN!!!!!!!!

yes, i'm a big baby and i care not. i have never in my life consciously allowed blood to be removed but once. and that, pals, didn't go very well.

this year, i've made six trips to my local quest diagnostics. i've survived them all without fainting or hurling. everyone has been wonderful... noticing all the telltale signs and being extra quick and kind. thank you, thank you, thank you. i've been thinking about sending them xmas cookies.

then, i got a letter that said, "we've discovered a problem with your vitamin D test that may have caused a problem with your results." WTF? the letter told me to come back, my doctor wanted it rerun and it would be free! FABULOUS.

i signed in 15 minutes early and remarkably was called in 5 minutes later by a very soft spoken phlebotomist. oh, good this is going to be quick! i'd arrived without my usual queasy anxiety. i thought i might have this issue licked.

not so fast there, racer x. my phlebotomist had forgotten her glasses so i helped her with computer work and figuring out how to register my test without registering me. all this with my big smile and understanding. ten minutes passed before we were all ready for the phlebotomist who moves like molasses in february to come take my blood.

i sat in the chair, pushed up my sleeve and explored just how far i could turn my head to find a distraction on a plain gray wall. after that it was torture. it hurt, it hurt, it took FOREVER. i started to see the pretty little stars and broke out in that cold clammy feeling that screams... WE ARE GOING DOWN! oh dear lord, you're still in my vein! this is one test, one vile right? i made peace with the fact that i was losing it. still in my vein, eh? get out, get out! GET OUT!

"i'm sorry that i hurt you." she was out.

i pushed everything away put my head between my legs. breathe. breathe. breathe.

"are you okay?" she said.

i popped my head up and pushed down my sleeve. "sure, i'll be fine. no problem." i said with the biggest grin i could muster. i slinked behind her and told her to have a great day and wished her luck without her glasses.

through the door... out the door. must feel cold air. "excuse me.... yes, yes, thank you.. have a nice day.. merry christmas to you too!"

release... to the car... to the car...

in the car, i screamed... NO, I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY. GO THE FUCK HOME AND GET YOUR FUCKING GLASSES YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

5 minutes later i drove to payless and bought a pair of boots.

now, i'm okay.

Trust me, I've got a plan...

There are certain albums that I’ll play over and over. And there are certain songs that I’ll play 40 times in a row just to hear 7.5 seconds of music or a lyric.

I downloaded Three Days Grace: One-X a few months ago and I’ve developed a love/hate relationship with the song Pain…

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

This cannot be generating positive energy. But there is something about it that is like a warm blanket on a cold night. As soon as there are black clouds in my life, BHAM, out it comes and up goes the volume, like a driving rain that washes out whatever mess I’ve made.

This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Something in there disturbs me, puts me off. It’s a little angsty and people say it’s not the band's best. That may be true, but it’s like a can of Pringles… I just cannot stop. It reminds me that I’m alive and that I’m glad to have a reason to be sad. There could be nothing.

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

All I know is that as quick as the need for this song comes, something comes along and lifts it away. It could be as simple as someone goofing off and doing the Thriller dance, or the memory of someone singing Sweet Child o' Mine on a sleepy Sunday morning.

All that is left is light. Go figure.