one more step...

yesterday, i found myself daydreaming about my trip. i can hardly wait. i've been working so hard and have been so freaked out with this wedding coming up that i've barely made anymore plans.

until last saturday, all i had was my plane ticket booked. now, i have a car. i've decided to save myself some money and drive to halifax from portland. i'll split it up and do it with an overnight. i really wanted to take the cat, but this turned out cheaper and the photography investment is taking a toll.

today, i booked a room in halifax. i'm going to try airbnb. this service is like couch surfing, but a little different. if a person has an extra room or bed, they can rent it. i like this better than couch surfing because i pay for my bed and that stress of "how do i compensate" is eliminated. couch surfing doesn't require anything, but my upbringing doesn't allow one to sleep on a stranger's couch without at least saying thank you and taking them to breakfast.

so, i emailed this incredibly cool woman... who seems to be like a canadian version of me--only vegetarian. :) i'm actually really excited to meet her.

i'm thinking of spending a night in Charlottetown, PEI. i've started looking at places on the island... since there aren't any airbnb's, i'll probably do a bnb. that's really more my style anyway. i like an intimate setting where i can get to know someone local. that's 50% of why i'm going after all.

i've decided to spend more time in canada than i initially planned, and it really feels like the right decision. i've decided to go with my intuition in planning this trip... sort of a "where does my soul want to go."

it may seem sort of goofy, but i feel like i'm planning a trip home.

the new rhythm...

everything is moving faster than i can comprehend.

and i don't even have kids.

i'm constantly taking photos or editing photos or working on advertising collateral or gathering assets for production or attending a photog function or going to a doctor or emailing or texting or twittering or facebooking.

i'm utterly clueless without my calendar. it dictates every move i make.

today, i... meditated for an hour, researched places to stay and booked a car for my trip, edited photos, did a couple lightroom tutorials, got an oil change, returned clothes, made a quick search for black pants for my "wedding uniform", went to the church for next weeks wedding, met with the groom and discussed the itinerary, drove the itinerary and took test photos and scoped out locations, checked in with a sick friend, caught up on emails and photog blogs, spent three hours converting, preparing and loading files that will be uploading to an ftp site all night....

during all of this i managed to catch 2 football games in the background...

and i finally i ate something that wasn't soup.

i haven't belly danced in a month, but am supposed to be in two performances in november. i've not even seen one of the dances yet.

last night, i slept four hours and i'm not anywhere near tired. i've not slept more than 5 or 6 hours a night in weeks. i worked straight through two days of being sick last week.

sometimes, i feel like carol anne looking into the white snow of the tv and talking to "them" in poltergeist. it's hard to stop. i have managed a few moments of silence... but... it's hard. i know it's about work flow... i'll find a rhythm. i'm as invigorated as i am exhausted.

there is a lot of good here, and i'm happy to have all of this going on. i've met the most incredible photographers who have been incredibly generous and are becoming great friends. i'm learning and creating and loving this.

but, i'm also running like hell and praying for a miracle.

does it make it acceptably healthy to be aware of that?

the beginning...

even though i'm posting some of my work here, i'm keeping this as my personal blog. just a warning.

it's been a really busy month. these are some of my favs from my first wedding. in a couple hours, i'm off to shoot my third.

i've run into some major issues with my work flow, but a friend finally convinced me to get lightroom and things are looking up. i've got a site to sell my photos up, too, finally. the investment for all of this is proving that i will indeed need to work many of these in the future! thank goodness i love this work!!

while most of my days and nights are taken up with the company gig and photography, i've made some new friends as well. this is nice, and i've been enjoying my few hours of free time.

however, the fallout of some of my decisions has been pretty rough for me. i've a lot of regrets, but i always tried to do the best i could and with the best of intentions. it hurts though, when someone looks at you with something bordering on repulsion. that's when you know that you've overstayed your welcome.

i suppose it's bittersweet for me... seeing all of these joyful weddings and lovely couples. i'm thrilled for each one and enjoy this work immensely. but, it is a constant reminder of loss. it's been a real roller coaster and one that i didn't really anticipate.

but, i love this work and cry each time they say their vows. no matter what, i'll always believe in love.

mixed bag of tricks...

drove to chicago today with missy. we had a raucous drive with me catching her up on my crazy life at rapid fire for forty miles. we laughed at the insanity that is my life. missy is such a good friend... she just laughs at me and i love that. it's easy to not take things too seriously when you're mocking your own craziness. ahhh perspective.

we arrived about 9:30 and were in the pool in under 30 minutes. of course, my fam came down to say hello... it was a nice little reunion. everyone is excited about the wedding. i can't wait to see my cousin and his lovely bride. they are truly delightful and this is going to be fun.

this being my third wedding in as many weeks... it's all sort of normal feeling. i'm wondering if i'll really be able to leave my camera in the room. not likely.

tomorrow, we are planning to go into town and hang out at the art institute. looking forward to that...

changing my life...

this morning i met the doctor who will perform my endometrial ablation. he appears to be a very compassionate and generous man.

it was a somewhat somber meeting. once he found out why i was there, it all became quite serious. i suppose that i've been thinking about this so long that i'm past discussing it. in fact, as soon as he reminded me that this would end any possibility of my ever having children, i wanted to yell, "FOR FUCKS SAKE, JUST DO IT!"

but instead, i took a breath and explained to him that i'd done some research and had been thinking about this for a few months. "I know what I'm giving up."

after a few more details and a near hug, i was off to scheduling. on october 30, in the course of 45 minutes, i'll make a profound change in my life.

they tell me this is for the best. they tell me this could keep me from having a full out hysterectomy.

i know that in the grand scheme of things, my problems could be much worse. i know that i'm a very lucky woman, and i have faith that i've made the right decision.

the speed of life...

i think too little or too much.

lately, life has been a flurry of screaming activity. i've done two wedding shoots and two engagement shoots. i've barely even started to edit the weddings and that is looming.

my cousin is getting married this weekend, so i'm off to chicago on a road trip with one of my best friends for a long awaited union.

then i come back to town, do another practice wedding and then THE wedding.

then i get on a plane for maine.

plus, let's not forget i've got one crazy full-time job.

in the midst of all of this have been celebrations and friends in pain, relationships beginning and ending, and my constant struggle to find balance and deal with my health.

in fact, this summer has been particularly frenetic and my processing time has been close to nil.

i've met some folks who have forced me to pause, to truly appreciate. i've learned to say no more than ever and learned to say yes to the right things. however, i was bullied into a moment on my drive home one night that will go down as one of the top ten of all time.

one thing has remained through all of this blustering newness and spontaneous delight... an undercurrent of sadness and loneliness. but, it's written somewhere that time heals all wounds.

i'm moving on. there are new joys and new friends and the past is growing smaller in the rear view mirror.

my first engagement shoot!

IMG_3707, originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

i did an engagement shoot with leslie wallace, and then last weekend, we shot the couple's wedding. tomorrow morning i have another wedding that i'm shadowing. woo! so busy lately!

leslie taught me so much and inspired me just as much. in fact, she got me thinking and i marched over to jdead and deanna to suggest we do an engagement shoot. they loved the idea!

i can't imagine that any wedding should be done without one. i think it will help me significantly at their wedding to have a feel for the way they are in front of the camera. plus, it was awesome to get to know deanna better; i know jdead so well since we are in the same department. we really bopped about just had fun!

they were so willing to do anything i suggested and had some great spontaneous ideas. deanna suggested posing with a statue that, i think, created one of the absolute best shots. they're such a lovely couple and they are always laughing!

the best part was that they were so pleased with the results of the shoot! now, i'm getting really excited to shoot their wedding!