it happens to everyone...

my crown came off while i was chewing gum and standing amid hundreds of beautiful glass balls in the st louis craft alliance. i've never broken a bone. i've never fainted. i have a very high tolerance for pain. however, i do go nuclear--internally. holding my tooth in my hand, i very calmly turned to the nearest friend and gave my most serious "this is not a joke" look. what followed was me processing the situation and answering questions. no pain. no blood. not the end of the world. but, one's dental work in their palm on a snowy sunday can be... disconcerting... for a first timer. some six hours later, i am amazed that i've held my tongue nearly stationary and out of the way the entire time. i know the value of little lessons like "don't mess with it", "put it back where you got it", and "do it right the first time". the silver lining of this is that my six month check up is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:20 am. i don't know what i did right for that to be the case, but i'm crazy grateful.

distance makes the lesson clearer...

The worst thing about Thanksgiving is Friday. I always feel like I need to purge… eliminate the old and prepare for a new world. The problem is that doing that requires me to look at things with the gift of a year’s perspective.

This morning, I faced the file in my email labeled DIVORCE. Gah! I’m terrified that at some point, my ex will come out of the woodwork and attempt to further fleece my already scarred and naked hide. So, with that fear deeply rooted, I may never delete that file.

I’m not sure why, but I did click on one of the last emails. It was one of the few lucid and coherent emails from him. It made me sad. Sad in the way that you pity a child whose dog ran away.

Instead of reading any more, I clicked out and hid the folder as deeply as possible. I renamed it… Lesson Learned.

Happy Thanksgiving...

In the truest American tradition, I’m thinking about what I’m thankful for on this great holiday of bounty.

Let’s assume a few basics first. I’ve still got my job and my health though the year has been bumpy for both. I’m still badly in divorce debt, but hopeful one day Wall Street will get back on the horse and I’ll find a way to start from zero again. I’m thankful for my motley little family, dwindling as it may be.

And I’m truly and phenomenally grateful for my friends.

But, aside from these most obvious positives in my life, what I’m most thankful for are the changes that I’ve bravely made in my life and the smashing results. It’s a beautiful thing to feel in control my life. I’ve learned what it feels like to be a healthy weight, the relief in the ability to say no, and what results when I explore my talents.

One other reason that I’m grateful this year has to do with the international incident that happened this summer.

And to close this note of thanksgiving, I pass the torch… what are you thankful for?

the absence of hope

hope? what is it about that simple seemingly lost, yet potent word? once, a buddhist nun that i greatly respect told me... abandon hope. it seemed so wrong, but it's something to think about.

are the expectations of hope unreasonable? is hope like an addiction that can never be satisfied? is hope necessary to get us up on sad and rainy mornings? what on earth am i really hoping for?

i hear it tapping on my window and i'm remembering that advice...

abandon all hope.

nerves

there have only been a few times in my life when i can honestly say that my palms were sweaty and i felt clammy. right now is one of them.

there are also few times in my life when i have thought something through as thoroughly as this.

there has only been one time when it really mattered and this is it.

sunday morning symphony

It’s been a while since I mentioned my neighbor, but she has never stopped being obnoxious. Though I forgive her a lot, some days it's very hard.

I once mentioned to her that I take off my shoes at the door and it’d be nice if she did too. She gave me the deer in the headlights look. I also told her that dragging her huge dining room table and chairs around at all hours of the night was really disturbing. She replied by saying that she hoped her music wasn’t too loud. Okay, nice chatting.

Instead of waging war, I decided to accept it and try to keep the ruminating to a minimum. But there are days that it’s really hard not plot vandalism. This morning at 5 am I laid in bed listening as she drug her dining room furniture around with real gusto. There is nothing I’d rather do on a Sunday morning.

Let the plotting and ruminating begin.

the truth of many colors

Steel grey clouds early in the morning,
A woman in black walking ahead of you…
Until you say her name.

I pause mid stride on a carpet of leaves
And turn, flashing you a smile
through the streaks of my red hair.

You may see the calm, smooth surface.
The white light of many colors
Peering at you through a prism.

And there is something in the light,
Words I have locked below the surface.
Though you’ve take my hand,
My will demands silence,
Lest I lose the many colors
... again.

coupleathings...

first of all, i don't know if i'm not sleeping well, but i'm tired all the time and the dew ain't cutting it. i'm having unwelcome flashbacks of being a terminally bored teenager though i'm not without a ton of stuff going on--i just NEED something.

secondly... what was second? oh yes. did you see my tweets on twitter followed by my twitpics? i love, absolutely love playing with this stuff, but the lingo/jargon is so much fun that i can barely stand it. i'm so caught up in what's new and shakin' out there that the only things i turn on the tv for anymore are football and charlie rose.

ha! TGIF!!!

Voting Community

i just stood in line for nearly two hours to vote. not only was i able to vote, but the woman behind me happened to be the woman who just moved in to the apartment next to me. i had no idea that she was my new neighbor until a half hour in to chatting. and the woman in front of me lives a block away. this morning, not only did i vote in an historic election, but i made new friends and had lively, honest and eager conversation.

this is a good day to be alive!

Lost and Found...

It’s funny how a simple statement can resonate. Someone made an observation about me practically in passing, but it has been running around my head over and over again. It was not entirely incorrect and not negative.

Am I still trying to find myself? The question alone is exhausting. I’m tired of looking and tired of trying on new hats. I spent a long time wearing hats for others, perhaps that’s why I’m apparently still trying to find myself?

The funny thing about that observation is that I feel like I know more about myself now than ever before. I feel like I have a better grasp, a better understanding. I lack a sense of purpose and a sense of urgency. Maybe that is the giveaway?

I discovered that I don’t want to be thought of that way anymore. More importantly, I don’t feel like it’s a mission that fits anymore.

I want to pick a path and reignite my passion.
I want to make a plan.
I want to lay down roots.

As long as the universe is going to offer me the opportunity… the very least that I can do is meet the challenge in that observation and tell it who I am.