i was just driving home giving myself my nightly mental thrashing when a chunk of understanding fell into place.
i lovingly refer to a previous break-up as having my heart drop kicked. i write that with love because i can laugh about it now. but point is, if that's what it felt like, why for the love of pete would i be fool enough to even want to return to the scene? why not move in a straight line in the opposite direction?
i've a multitude of answers to this. it's so complicated, it's impossible lace. (if you've ever knit lace, you know exactly what i mean.) periodically, giant chunks of understanding fall onto my head and i see more clearly why this little episode was so important to me. it's like the ceiling falling on you, but in a good way because more blue sky is revealed.
tonight's lump of plaster love was about balance. all of my relationships have been all or nothing. either i gave it all and got nothing or vice versa. that's a big deal, and i think many of us find ourselves living on one side of the fence or the other. AND i think we spend a lot of time daydreaming about what it might be like to have that elusive balance.
it is AWESOME. it's like adrenaline in a good way 24/7. it is simple joy. unbelievable satisfaction. for once in my life, i got as much as i gave.
now, i ask you, who in their right mind would want to let that go? not me. but, then i have to remember that there were two people dancing this tango. ahhhhh, the snag. i thought we were both happy. therein lies the fatal flaw.
it may be shattered and never be what it was, and that is okay. it could be a whole new kaleidoscope of colors. i'd be cool with that. but, that fundamental balance... that being appreciated and being able to honestly appreciate... that was invaluable and rare.
that is hard to forget.
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