the question of freedom...

Freedom is a word and a theme that has been popping up a lot in my life recently, and I find myself hearing it in others conversations.

Of course, there are many different ways we enjoy, express, and fight for freedom. It means different things to each individual and group, but freedom in relationships is the theme I've been considering.

One of my most beloved short stories is only a couple of pages and packs the punch of the greatest novel. The Story of an Hour, by Kate Chopin, touched something that I completely understood: the impossibly strong confines of marriage.

In the story, Mrs. Mallard is informed that her husband has been killed in a tragic accident and in only a few paragraphs, Chopin explores the release and relief that Mrs. Mallard feels. She is suddenly free. "Free! Body and soul free!" It has nothing to do with the relationship, it is about the bonds we never intend. In the end, Mrs. Mallard collapses at the "shock" of her husbands entrance--mistakenly reported dead. It's the loss of that beautiful, rich potential--her new gift of freedom that kills her.

I recently heard a piece about Betsy Blair, who was married to Gene Kelly for sixteen years. She described him as the perfect husband, father, and friend. Yet, she divorced him. Her reason? "It had nothing to do with sex. It was about freedom."

I'm watching friends in perfect marriages struggle with freedom. I ended my own "perfect" relationship for much the same reason. I'm listening to my friends define their non-traditional relationships and explain them to friends and family in traditional words. We are all struggling. We are drawn to each other, but we need our freedom.

What does freedom mean for you?

My own answer was shown to me through two previous relationships. I was constantly fighting and struggling for time alone--fighting the expectations on my time. I've also shared this thought and others have also found this: a part of you can be easily neglected until one day when it will demand to be heard and you may find yourself either packing your bags or striking out. This has been my own Achilles heel.

However, there is something to feeling the presence of another in the house. There is a comfort you can find wrapped in someones arms that a cat or favorite blanket could never replicate.

It feels like an impossible balance, but I suppose it's my never-ending optimism, or my blind determination, to believe it's achievable. But... I don't want to beat my brains out to make a square peg fit in a circle.

I keep asking myself and my friends, what do you want? I think that is the wrong question. I'm beginning to feel the word "want" is as confining as the word marriage! Can I change my mind if I answer this question? I think as we are trying to find this middle ground, we might ask these question: What do you enjoy? What makes you happy?

I know that not everyone suffers this quandary and some people are perfectly happy. Ducky for you... really! Just be kind to those of use who make less conventional choices.