buyin a gold bedlah?

i'm so frustrated. i'm completely locked with fear.

i've been belly dancing eight years. i spent the first 4 covered up to my neck. then, i started to lose weight and i actually wore a choli in a show. now, i must buy a bedlah. *sigh*

i know girls with bedlahs in every shade of the rainbow and dresses of every style. i have a saidi dress.

why don't i own a bedlah? because it's really freaking hard to find one in a dd/e cup. ohhhh, this may seem like a haha moment, but these little bastards are hard to find and aren't cheap. so, i'm going to drop $400 on something i can't try on till it arrives. i have a very limited number of options in color and style--2. then the damn thing will need to be altered, without a doubt.

if all goes well, i'll perform on stage in front of God and an audience in something that offers less coverage than my lacy pretties. yeah, why the hell do i want to do this?

i've been dancing for too long under the cover of student. i'm no longer a newbie and it's time to get off my ass and join the other girls. if i don't do it now, i might as well go back to jazzercize.

oh for pete's sake.

so, here i am searching for a freaking needle in a hay stack under the gun of time because i'm performing in may. all these years i had the opportunity to find just the right one and now i'm in a rush. this is the way i do EVERYTHING!

i'll never be happy with how i look in it. i'll never be happy with the way i dance. this is why i hate watching myself in the mirror and why i look at the ground when i dance.

so. what am i going to do? i'm going to buy a gold bedlah and wish it were silver. i'm going to practice my zills and learn the difference between the patterns. i'm going look up and not at the floor.

i'm going to this now because life is not a dress rehearsal and if i don't try, i'll always regret it.

i dislike regrets even more than i dislike gold.