seasons in the sun

i remember it like it happened an hour ago.

it happened while i was standing in my best friend's backyard in the 70's.

her name was kim and she had an older brother who lived in the basement. he would put his transistor radio on the steps, and she and i would dance around in that carefree way that only nine year old girls can.

it was summer and it was cloudy. kim got distracted by something in the back of the yard. i was standing in the center, between her and her brother who was sitting on the steps watching us.

this song came on the radio. i can hear it crackling through static and smell heavy summer air of st. louis with slight remnants of cut grass.

i don't know why... i stood starring out at nothing... across the row of city yards. i felt every word of that song etch itself into my memory while i twirled a clover chain with my fingers.

i heard something in that moment that i didn't fully understand. i suppose it was the moment i discovered melancholy--the bittersweet of life.

but like all things, it passed. i looked back at her brother who was getting up to go inside. i turned and ran to the back of the yard to play in the mud.

funny, the things we remember.

accidental influence...

some one said something to me recently that thrilled me to my toes. i will not mention who, nor what. surprisingly, even i have a shy and modest bone hidden deep inside.

i will say this; a tiny morsel dropped by accident with the right intention can be HUGE. in fact, it can change someones view of themself.

the little gem that landed in my lap is now my personal treasure.

seriously. you just don't know.

the question of freedom...

Freedom is a word and a theme that has been popping up a lot in my life recently, and I find myself hearing it in others conversations.

Of course, there are many different ways we enjoy, express, and fight for freedom. It means different things to each individual and group, but freedom in relationships is the theme I've been considering.

One of my most beloved short stories is only a couple of pages and packs the punch of the greatest novel. The Story of an Hour, by Kate Chopin, touched something that I completely understood: the impossibly strong confines of marriage.

In the story, Mrs. Mallard is informed that her husband has been killed in a tragic accident and in only a few paragraphs, Chopin explores the release and relief that Mrs. Mallard feels. She is suddenly free. "Free! Body and soul free!" It has nothing to do with the relationship, it is about the bonds we never intend. In the end, Mrs. Mallard collapses at the "shock" of her husbands entrance--mistakenly reported dead. It's the loss of that beautiful, rich potential--her new gift of freedom that kills her.

I recently heard a piece about Betsy Blair, who was married to Gene Kelly for sixteen years. She described him as the perfect husband, father, and friend. Yet, she divorced him. Her reason? "It had nothing to do with sex. It was about freedom."

I'm watching friends in perfect marriages struggle with freedom. I ended my own "perfect" relationship for much the same reason. I'm listening to my friends define their non-traditional relationships and explain them to friends and family in traditional words. We are all struggling. We are drawn to each other, but we need our freedom.

What does freedom mean for you?

My own answer was shown to me through two previous relationships. I was constantly fighting and struggling for time alone--fighting the expectations on my time. I've also shared this thought and others have also found this: a part of you can be easily neglected until one day when it will demand to be heard and you may find yourself either packing your bags or striking out. This has been my own Achilles heel.

However, there is something to feeling the presence of another in the house. There is a comfort you can find wrapped in someones arms that a cat or favorite blanket could never replicate.

It feels like an impossible balance, but I suppose it's my never-ending optimism, or my blind determination, to believe it's achievable. But... I don't want to beat my brains out to make a square peg fit in a circle.

I keep asking myself and my friends, what do you want? I think that is the wrong question. I'm beginning to feel the word "want" is as confining as the word marriage! Can I change my mind if I answer this question? I think as we are trying to find this middle ground, we might ask these question: What do you enjoy? What makes you happy?

I know that not everyone suffers this quandary and some people are perfectly happy. Ducky for you... really! Just be kind to those of use who make less conventional choices.

mama needs a new pair of skates...

back in 94... my mom got me a pair of rollerblades. they were MONDO boots... top of the line skates, and they were really fast. ohhhhh, i get goose bumps remembering them... dreamy!

first time on them, i didn't know how to stop and ended up doing 30mph downhill on tucker over hwy 55. bloody insane. my stop was a dive into an open field. of course, i had to cut across 6 lanes to do that. typical of the ridiculous stunts i've been known to pull.

after that trip i put them away for a while. but, i can't stay off skates too long, even if i'm terrified i'll look like an idiot. so i dug them out and got my groove.

i've got a history on wheels... three, four, sometimes five days a week at the rink from fourth grade till sophomore year. i loved to speed skate. i wasn't very good at shooting the duck, but i did discover boys, and i was ruthless with them. i'm sure there are grown women who remember me with a scowl. but that's another story. *chuckle*

anyway... last year i lost my skates in an ex-boyfriend debacle that ended up with them in the trash. i felt like i was missing a limb all last summer, but never replaced them.

today, i marched into sports authority and picked out new inlines. not as good as my first arse-kicking pair, but a nice enough K2 with a decent spin.

tomorrow, we skate!

a test of the emergency broadcast system....

as i've prattled on about, i've been struggling for several months. the past couple have been freakishly unsettled.

my internal mental system felt like i imagine an atom might feel when being bombarded... if it were sentient and had feelings, of course.

i finally started tackling the big things on my list and finding some comfort in that. but, i've not had that focus, that peace.

when i got home last night, i plowed through a bunch of reading homework in no time. this morning, i woke up feeling more centered and grounded than i have in a year. yes, there is a reason and it's all about being heard.

"and now, we return you to your regularly scheduled life."

it's good to be back.

my first bedlah

19309, originally uploaded by MisfitHue.

i bought it.

buyin a gold bedlah?

i'm so frustrated. i'm completely locked with fear.

i've been belly dancing eight years. i spent the first 4 covered up to my neck. then, i started to lose weight and i actually wore a choli in a show. now, i must buy a bedlah. *sigh*

i know girls with bedlahs in every shade of the rainbow and dresses of every style. i have a saidi dress.

why don't i own a bedlah? because it's really freaking hard to find one in a dd/e cup. ohhhh, this may seem like a haha moment, but these little bastards are hard to find and aren't cheap. so, i'm going to drop $400 on something i can't try on till it arrives. i have a very limited number of options in color and style--2. then the damn thing will need to be altered, without a doubt.

if all goes well, i'll perform on stage in front of God and an audience in something that offers less coverage than my lacy pretties. yeah, why the hell do i want to do this?

i've been dancing for too long under the cover of student. i'm no longer a newbie and it's time to get off my ass and join the other girls. if i don't do it now, i might as well go back to jazzercize.

oh for pete's sake.

so, here i am searching for a freaking needle in a hay stack under the gun of time because i'm performing in may. all these years i had the opportunity to find just the right one and now i'm in a rush. this is the way i do EVERYTHING!

i'll never be happy with how i look in it. i'll never be happy with the way i dance. this is why i hate watching myself in the mirror and why i look at the ground when i dance.

so. what am i going to do? i'm going to buy a gold bedlah and wish it were silver. i'm going to practice my zills and learn the difference between the patterns. i'm going look up and not at the floor.

i'm going to this now because life is not a dress rehearsal and if i don't try, i'll always regret it.

i dislike regrets even more than i dislike gold.

stonewashed venom...

wow.

in 2008, i had the pleasure of catching up with a couple of friends from my past. gentleman friends.

i was a little taken aback by some of the anger and bitterness. not at me, but the general world view dressed in stonewashed venom.

i don't remember that.

it's enough to give a girl pause.

just right in my willy nilly world...

random:

i've decided to keep myself planted in my little studio for another year. this is not an excuse to stop contemplating my future, and i am leery of the work thing, but i've decided to try it, as a friend suggested. i'm happy here, the price is good and there is something oddly "right" here. so, i've decided to make some cosmetic changes and use this stability as a firm launching pad for the next level of my creative endeavors.

i've figured out why i'm struggling with my focus. i'm on the cusp of achieving success. i've got a real fear of success and am rather good at self-sabotage. my resume reflects this acutely. i'm very close to doing what i really want, and frankly, that will be something i've never done before. unfortunately, being a little smarter about myself is making it like a nasty cat fight in my head. i can't recall ever feeling so confident and simultaneously so inept. you might think knowing oneself would make it easier to call oneself out and get over it. yeah... no.

also... i got this book for my birthday from a dear friend called Art & Fear. it is uncanny how timely it is this book enters my life and the first couple chapters have so perfectly addressed issues i have... sometimes things are just right. ;-)

don't chuck it; fake it...

i've been amused by the horoscope writer on yahoo for months, but this, this is genius. i want to hug this person. i think this person sits next to me and knows all about the stuff happening with me. i think this person knows that merely ten minutes ago, i was standing on a ledge ready to leave the building in tears and just give the hell up. who are you? i want to bake you cookies, take you out for dinner, clean your house... you make me smile.

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horoscope for pisces 3/3/09

Sometimes, it can be very helpful to live in an illusion -- to keep yourself so distracted by daydreams and fanciful wishes that you don't have to deal with unpleasant thoughts. So if you are having troubling thoughts, it might be okay today to just pretend everything is just fine. Think good thoughts and if there are uncertain situations, just pretend that you know the outcome for certain -- and the outcome is good. Fake it until you make it, because you will make it eventually. Have hope!