careful what you ask for... you could end up doing the dog paddle

I made a list. I thought about it for a very long time and I decided that this list was indeed just what I wanted.

After mastering painful relationships, failing to meet goals and being gracious beyond my means, I turned on my heels and went the other direction. I could be specific, but that would be rude to a lot of people. However, my list, in most cases, is the antithesis of what I’ve known all my life and instead demands what I’ve dreamed about.

After a ceremonial scripting in blood followed by dedicated celibacy for focus, the universe is answering some of these wishes and I’m finding that none of my previously honed skills work here.

Holy shit. I’m doing the dog paddle in the Baltic Sea.

I’m spending a lot of time debating myself at three in the morning. Suddenly, I’m split into two different people. There is sixteen year-old me ready to cut bait and get back to the safety of land rather than feel more disappointment. And then, there is grown up me who spends a lot of time reassuring and scolding.

HELLO! Paddling here!

In an odd way, I’m more me than ever. These two nuts that inhabit my mind are learning to work together and sharing insights. I’ve reawakened the passions—the floodgates have opened and emotions are back. But, I have experience now, and I know the value of staying the course… And, I know that no matter what happens, I’m okay.

Still paddling!

Yeah, I know. We’re still in unfamiliar territory. But, this is what I want and I wouldn’t change a thing on that list for the safety it might give. I’ll just keep paddling till I see land. Hell, along the way, I may just become the Michael Phelps of the dog paddle… who knows!