Wednesday, April 30, 2008

the evil you know...

last week the woman upstairs kept me up all night. i got forty-five minutes of sleep, then went to work at 7. AND i had class until 10. woe is me, i was ready to clobber her.

she choose to have a party that night... with a herd of two or three and a boxer that was restless. we live in studios... maybe 300square feet. it's not like there was anywhere for me to hide from the chairs being drug across the hardwood floor. but, even that was no big deal. the howling at the moon at the top of their lungs at two am was really starting to push it, but standing on the balcony and beating a drum to welcome the dawn pushed me over the edge... out i went in my underwear. at this point, i no longer cared. "oh would you like me to keep it down?' "that would be just dandy," i said.

so, there were more skitters across the floor, more yelling at the dog. i said to hell with it, got up and made coffee. i've successfully avoided her since because frankly i'm still a little ticked with her.

tonight, i figured out what all the chair dragging is about. the crazy lady is packing up and moving out. *gasp* noooooooooooooo! oh no. she's nuts, but she's well, i know her brand of crazy. she came down last year to tell me that world war three was going to start any day. she knew because of dreams she was having and she has a cousin on a navy ship. she thought she should tell me so that i could make plans. "well, thanks for the info. i don't really know what else to say to you."

but, now she's leaving. she's packing up her yoga mat, her native american drum and her giant dining room set. btw, when you live in a tiny studio, i'm not sure that buying a giant dining set to fill up your only space and sleeping in a corner of the kitchen is the best use of space, but hey.

so, now, i'm going to launch into the mystery tenant. gah. i just renewed my lease and you can hear people sneeze in this building, nice as it is. now, i feel really bad for pitching a fit about how nuts and loud she is. i want my crazy lady to stay.

oh please move in another crazy lady just like her. or maybe a nice looking man who works at wash u med school? ha! who am i kidding, i'm going to be sorry.

karma dude. it comes around.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

four songs and no commercials

Modern-day warrior
Mean mean stride,
Todays tom sawyer
Mean mean pride.

I shifted into gear and hit the gas hard. I felt larger than life--in complete control of every molecule that surrounded me.

No, his mind is not for rent
To any God or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows changes aren't permanent,
But change is.

I paused an extra moment at the stop sign in front of his apartment and gave his sleeping consciousness a wink. I was all horsepower and chutzpah.

The highway lay wide open and felt like velvet below my feet. Shifting and gliding between cars, the song changed.

I walked along the avenue.
I never thought Id meet a girl like you;
Meet a girl like you.
With auburn hair and tawny eyes;
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through;
Hypnotize me through.

I sang along and caressed the gearshift. I was making great time. Then I remembered why I woke up with a start and late to boot. I remembered why I leapt from the bed without a thought to hitting the snooze alarm. I looked through the sunroof into the sun.

A cloud appears above your head;
A beam of light comes shining down on you,
Shining down on you.
The cloud is moving nearer still.
Aurora borealis comes in view;
Aurora comes in view.

I haven't remembered my dreams for weeks. In my dream, I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. I sat there staring at my pillow covered in strands of auburn. In my sleep all of my hair had fallen out. In reality, I cried in my sleep.

I down shifted and left the highway.

Here come old flattop he come grooving up slowly
He got joo-joo eyeball he one holy roller
He got hair down to his knee
Got to be a joker he just do what he please

I focused on the warmth of the sun and the music. The light turned green and I hit the gas. I am my own strength. I felt powerful and immense.

I sang at the top of my lungs.

He bag production he got walrus gumboot
He got Ono sideboard he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee
Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease
Come together right now over me

Almost to work. Light traffic and I'm sneaking glances at the drivers I'm passing. I'm like the sun and I'm brilliant. In the review mirror my eyes do not lie.

Look around you, look up here
Take time to make time, make time to be there
Look around, be a part
Feel for the winter, but don't have a cold heart

I'm slipping around turns like an Andretti. Four songs, no commercials and the dream turns to dust and is blown to the wind. I slide into my parking spot and take another look into my own eyes. Be true to yourself.

So lady, let me take a look at you now
You're there on the dance floor, making me want you somehow
Oh lady, I think it's only fair I should say to you
Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you, 'cause maybe I do

I swing open the door and slip out of the car. I smile all the way into the office. Every morning should clear away the doubts and cobwebs of fear, revealing our radiance and giving us clarity.

A dream and tears in the distance. Four songs and no commercials ahead.

Monday, April 28, 2008

flawed and loving it

Okay. So I'm not perfect. Not just because I make disconnected statements or can't really sing, no matter how great I sound in the shower.

After forty years of knowing I wouldn't be on this earth forever, after 6 years of spiritually working on my acceptance of said fact, after taking my health by the nether regions and getting my shit together, they found something wrong with me. Figures.

So, out of the gate, it's treatable. Not something that cannot be managed. With treatment, I'll probably even loose weight and get rid of somethings that I thought were more about age, than a "syndrome". Funny thing is, if I'd not been so terrified of childbirth and children, I might have found out earlier. Turns out, I was a late bloomer in the other symptoms.

It's okay. I'm going to be fine. I'm just going to start taking medication every morning, just like my cat. But, it was a bit of a jolt. I've never been sick, though I have a propensity for food poisoning. I've always thought I was pretty durable. There comes a day when… yeah, I guess reality checks are necessary.

It's like getting my first "B" or the first ding on my new car. It felt like someone plugged in a neon sign on my back that said "Flawed". It also reminded me that my body isn't really mine, but a loan.

My answer? Embrace the flaw; make it a benefit! New Improved Kym! I'm now in touch with my body and nursing assistants in a way that I never have been! I'm expanding my network of friends!

I've never been perfect. And that makes me Puuurrrrrrrfect!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

the turtle and me...

I met a turtle today. I took lots of photos of my new friend. He got me and I got him—we were both digging the sun.

It's so easy to be complicated and perspective can be absolutely elusive when I am in the midst of activity. I shouldn't be surprised by the innocently deduced assumptions about me.

I have a tendency to stumble upon first meeting. I assault people that I particularly admire and respect with well-intentioned, witty statements of gibberish punctuated with my grinning idiot look. It also seems that in the past few years, I have lost the ability to have a relevant, cohesive thought translate into the spoken word.

I have a high level of enthusiasm and am eager to go along for the adventure. I've not always found myself in the presence people who share that enthusiasm… social skills are a truly use them or loose them skill. But, I'm worth it if you just hang in there and let me find a groove.

I know that I have friends right now who would be absolutely shocked at some of my history. I'm a lot less naive, a lot less lofty, a lot more intelligent, a lot more creative and focused than I apparently seem.

Well, the turtle and I enjoyed a long awaited sunbeam and he didn't mind my social stumbles. I call that a good day.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Could it be time?

Could it be possible that a solution for Tibet is on the horizon??

Just a moment ago a reporter said the pressure to ask China to open up discussions with the Dalai Lama is rising to the inner circle of Olympic officials. I could feel the flush rising and my heartbeat quicken—my first real hope for a resolution for Tibetans since I stumbled upon the story of the exiled Dalai Lama just nine years ago.

For nine years I have researched, prayed, contributed, supported and organized. I’ve been the one in the room that speaks up when someone asks, "So what’s the deal with Tibet?" I have passed along dog-eared books, explained my stance and beliefs to co-workers, accepted ridicule and maintained determined enthusiasm that one day… the world would recognize Tibet, demand that China account for its actions and maybe one day… just maybe… His Holiness the Dalai Lama could return to the Potala Palace.

Ultimately, I believe that what has happened has had a most positive effect on the world. There are millions of people embracing Buddhism and knowledge of it has permeated cultures around the globe. But, the cost has been incredibly high both for Tibet and China.

And it is here that my conflict lies. I support non-violence. It is at the root of my beliefs, but even I, if I can, will defend myself. I understand that Tibetans may have a difficult time with non-violence—how can I know their suffering? I’m a privileged American.

It has been 50 years since His Holiness had to leave his homeland. I hear the voices and I join their chorus. I can feel the energy and it feels right. The Olympics may just be the place and the time for the world to recognize and embrace Tibet.